Drunk Days

I'm writing in english again. I need a new perspective on my language and I need a distance to myself. So many things has happend the last week. I've cryed so much that I'm totally dried and the emptiness inside is like a huge hole witch screams about everything I always do wrong.

I wish that A could forgive me. Forgive me for my inabillity to hate, to leave T and never speake to him again. I know that she wouldn't had done what I'm doin right now. She would never speak to a person again who had treatet me bad. The problem is that I have known T's other sides, his humility and care, the way he took care of me when I wanted to kill my self or at least stop the pain inside for a while. But he has also given me the biggest pain and suffering I've felt for a long while.
We are friends again, but nothing, nothing, can ever be as it was before he insulted my girlfriend whit his disgust. I can understand why he felst like he do, becuse he hates himself, and I can forgive. But i can not accept his unmoral opinions and lack of respect and i do not like a all what he said. I've told him that and he understands and respects my opinion.
I understand if you people who reads this thinks that I'm crazy. "How can she still be friends whis a person who hurted both herself and the girl she love and care about most in the whole world?" I do not have an answer on that. I wish I had. Insted a drown myself in alcohol. Puked my guts up yeasterday.
I shaved of my hair yeasterday. I cut it really short first, the day before A left I think. But I felt I just wanted to get rid of every ich of it. I look like a mix between a skinhead and sinead O'connor. My parents wasen't very happy when I told them. But i love it!

Hope you don't judge me to hard, but i wouldn't blame you. I'm not proud of who I am.

love/Yohanna