Breathing

It's over. After miss A's call two days ago, a told mr T that we couldn't go on even as friends.
I knew that it would end like this. Deep in my heart I knew that our relationship was damned after what he did to my girlfriend.
I've cried for hours after I left the room were we were playing pool and run home to my corridor. I sat outside my room door, unable to open, pressing my head against the wall, screaming. Sweet miss Tuna came and rescued me and hold me till I could breath and talk again about what happend. mr T came after a few minutes lates, just to see that I had someone there. Then he left and went away to his mother.
He called an hour or so later and we talked about everything that happened. After we hanged up I just kept on crying, but I was sure of that my decision was the right thing. After talking to miss A again I was more sure than ever that I made the right choice. I love her more than anyone on this earth and I really don't want to loose her.
I've talked to mr T on the phone once or twice and I met him yesterday to leave the last of his things and to say goodbye. Don't know if he's going to stay at the school jet or if he's leaving... But i hope he can stay here and finish his education, even if we can't speak or hang out any more.

On Thursday I'm going to Malmö with miss A. I'm really looking forward to it, I need to see her again, talk to her, kiss her, embrace her. Show how much I love her. And I think it's good for me to get away a few days.
We'll meet some of our "Gothenburg girls" and also go to Copenhagen. I shall really try to relax.

I shall try to write a bit on my novel now, but I'll write more later. Perhaps tomorrow.

All my love. /Yohanna

Drunk Days

I'm writing in english again. I need a new perspective on my language and I need a distance to myself. So many things has happend the last week. I've cryed so much that I'm totally dried and the emptiness inside is like a huge hole witch screams about everything I always do wrong.

I wish that A could forgive me. Forgive me for my inabillity to hate, to leave T and never speake to him again. I know that she wouldn't had done what I'm doin right now. She would never speak to a person again who had treatet me bad. The problem is that I have known T's other sides, his humility and care, the way he took care of me when I wanted to kill my self or at least stop the pain inside for a while. But he has also given me the biggest pain and suffering I've felt for a long while.
We are friends again, but nothing, nothing, can ever be as it was before he insulted my girlfriend whit his disgust. I can understand why he felst like he do, becuse he hates himself, and I can forgive. But i can not accept his unmoral opinions and lack of respect and i do not like a all what he said. I've told him that and he understands and respects my opinion.
I understand if you people who reads this thinks that I'm crazy. "How can she still be friends whis a person who hurted both herself and the girl she love and care about most in the whole world?" I do not have an answer on that. I wish I had. Insted a drown myself in alcohol. Puked my guts up yeasterday.
I shaved of my hair yeasterday. I cut it really short first, the day before A left I think. But I felt I just wanted to get rid of every ich of it. I look like a mix between a skinhead and sinead O'connor. My parents wasen't very happy when I told them. But i love it!

Hope you don't judge me to hard, but i wouldn't blame you. I'm not proud of who I am.

love/Yohanna

Snart, snart!

Om bara några timmar är min alldeles egna miss A här.Det känns overkligt, men alldeles underbart. Hon ska stanna en hela vecka, vara en del av min vardag och förhoppningsvis bara slappna av och få må bättre än vad hon gör nu.

Är konstigt nog väldigt pigg. Jag somnade vid tre igår efter att ha sett på söta Tora Birtch i Ghost World, och vaknade fyra timmar senare av Sir T's väckarklocka. Har suttit och skirvit, eller i alla fall börjat skirva, sedan halv nio tiden i morse. Har åtminsonde kommit igång med en text som jag tror kan fungera till uppgiften som ska in på måndag.

Snart dags för snusköp tror jag gahhh... mitt nikotinbehov är farligt. Tur att jag har kaffe i alla fall.

Borde skriva något vettigt och samhällsomstörtande här, men orkar inte riktigt just nu, to nervous. :P

Jag skriver mer senare. so long. (ps. kolla in mina justa dragkingkort från i

förrgår!)

Miss Dalloway and her issues

Orkar inte skriva på engelska, här just nu, men en rubrik på anglofiliska kan ju aldirg skada. Pratar rätt mkt Engelska med Sir T redan och har ju min Wildeiska pjäs at tänka på också.

Har varit synnerligen oaktiv här det senaste. Mne så mycket saker har hänt. Med skolan, vännerna, min Älskade A och med allt annat som sör mina innre och yttre världar.

Skrivandet har dock äntligen börjat lossna lite och jag har kommit över prestationsångestens rand lite grand. Har börjat med ett fanzine också, .Äsch. som kommer att finnas i en pappersupplaga nästa vecka. Eventuellt lägger jag ut det på nätet ochså om jag kan f M att lära mig det rent tekniska runt processen.

I övrigt, en kombination av flr mycket fylla och tankar har gjort att jag funderar på att bli nyktersit, mkt pga anvar och respekt för A också. Vill inte dra ned henne i massor av skit. Det har väl gått sådär hittils. Under dne fina "överklasshelgen" i Ekerum gick det fint, men då hade jag ju Sir T som vakade över mig.

Shit, önskar att min hjärna var lika kvick när jag skriver dramatik.... när jag blogger spottar jag bara ur mig fraseringar till höger och vänster.

Borde nog skirva på de tjag egentligen sitter här för att göra nu. Men det är mkt mer lockande att prata med A eller att gå till Sir T och se på Amelie från Montmartre. Att bero på film så ser jag just nu ut ungefär som Tora Birtch i Ghost World just nu. Tappade en lins och fick låna Tomas "gamla" Tom Ford glasögon. Svarta, markerad eoch mkt indie.Nästan exakt samam stryrka som mina gamla! Känner mig smart och sexig. aS USUALL. haha.

Ska passa på att lägga upp lite bilder från den kära konstnatten förrförra helgen. En bild på mig när jag står på scen och läser min dikt "A tribute to Valerie".

Treflig Läsning!